David Bruce: Anecdotes About Bathrooms

Jack Benny’s comedic persona was that of a miser. He once ate at the Brown Derby restaurant with the ventriloquist Edgar Bergen of Charlie McCarthy fame. After lunch was over, Mr. Benny asked the waiter for the check. The waiter, who was well aware of Mr. Benny’s comic miserliness, said, “Mr. Benny, I’m surprised to hear you ask for the check.” Mr. Benny replied, “So am I, and that’s the last time I’ll ever eat with a ventriloquist.” Of course, many people joked about Mr. Benny’s comic reputation for miserliness. When he was in a hospital, a nurse asked him for a urine sample. Mr. Benny protested that he had just urinated, but she asked him to try to give a sample anyway. He managed to pee a little, and she looked at the small amount of urine and said, “You never give anything away, do you?” (Mr. Benny called this “a perfect reading” of a funny line.) Once, Mr. Benny had finished doing his business in a bathroom when he noticed that his checkbook was missing. He looked under the door of the stall he had been using, and he saw his checkbook. To open the door, the user had to insert a dime in a slot and turn. Mr. Benny did not have a dime, and because he had to catch a plane he did not have time to get change for a quarter. He thought, What the hell. Nobody’s around — I’ll crawl under the door. Of course, as soon as he started crawling under the door, someone walked into the restroom. Mr. Benny writes that the man “recognized my face. And he believed what he saw. He thought I was trying to sneak under and get a free bowel movement.” Of course, other comedians made jokes about Mr. Benny’s comic stinginess when they performed with him. When Mr. Benny’s daughter, Joan, got married, Bob Hope joked, “The reason Jack Benny is looking so sad these days is that he’s not only losing a daughter — but losing a deduction, too.” And after Mr. Benny was nominated to be honorary chair of a March of Dimes campaign, Fred Allen said, “The dime hasn’t been minted that could march past Jack Benny.”

Comedian Ed Wynn played many serious dramatic roles — for example, he played one of the Jews hiding from the Nazis in the movie “The Diary of Anne Frank,” directed by George Stevens. In one scene, Mr. Wynn was supposed to exit and go into a bathroom and wait. While he was in the bathroom, he began to laugh loudly. He ruined the take, and Mr. Stevens asked him why he had laughed. Mr. Wynn explained, “As I was sitting here in the john, I suddenly remembered something my father once said to me long ago, when I told him I wanted to go into show business. He warned me, ‘If you go into show business, someday you’ll end up in the toilet.’ And so I did. Here I am. I ended up in the toilet.”

In June 2015, Henry Rollins finished filming a movie titled “The Last Heist,” directed by Mike Mendez, who likes lots of murder and blood in his films. Henry plays a “completely diabolical” character named Bernard and spends much of the movie covered in fake blood. One day, completely covered in fake blood, he was walking to the restroom. The movie was being filmed in an industrial area of Glendale, California, and a man driving a forklift saw him and deadpanned, “Rough day?” Mr. Rollins says that the blood dries quickly and becomes sticky: “I was, at times, a murderous candy apple dipped in dirt and debris. A fly actually got stuck in my hair and buzzed in frustration.”

The elderly become preoccupied with always knowing where a bathroom is located. Such was the case with the 82-year-old Norman Mailer, who once was hurrying to a bathroom when fellow author Philip Roth asked him, “Where are you going in such a hurry, Norman?” Mr. Mailer replied, “Well, I have to tell you, Phil. I’ve got to urinate. When you get to my age, this becomes a desperate matter. In fact, let me warn you, when you get to my age, you’re going to be looking around for telephone booths in which you can relieve yourself.” Mr. Roth replied, “Norman, I’m already there.”

According to cartoon director Chuck Jones, Jack Warner, who was one of the famous movie Warner brothers, judged how good a movie was by how many times he had to pee during the movie. (He would stop the movie and then go and pee.) He might pee three or four times during an ordinary movie, but for a movie he hated, such as “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre,” he might pee seven times. Cartoons were difficult for Mr. Warner to judge, because it is hard to pee more than once during a short cartoon.

Sarah Johns moved to Nashville, sang, and to support her singing, washed tour buses. A few years later, she had a contract with a music company, and she was touring in her own tour bus. Does that she doesn’t have to clean tour buses anymore? No. She has to clean her own tour bus. She says, “I clean the toilet every morning, because, you know, I’m on there with a bunch of guys, and they always miss.”

June Millington met Cris Williamson and played music with her. During one conversation, June enthusiastically quoted some graffiti that she had read in a women’s restroom in Arkansas. Cris looked at her and said, “June, that’s me. Those are my lyrics.” June adds, “She loved it.”

“If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat.” — Anonymous

© 2015, David Bruce, All Rights Reserved

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Free PDF book: William Shakespeare’s Measure for Measure: A Retelling in Prose by David Bruce

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Free PDF book: Honey Badger Goes to Hell — and Heaven by David Bruce

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Bill Murray: Quotations

Bill 1

Bill 2

Bill 3

Bill 4

Bill 5

Bill 6

Bill 7Source: DoginBoots, “Here … Have Some Fucking Advice.” Imgur. 4 July 2015

http://imgur.com/gallery/NXpZe

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Free PDF book: Honey Badger Goes to Hell — and Heaven by David Bruce

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Taylor Swift: 1989 and More

‪Taylor Swift – Style

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CmadmM5cOk

Taylor Swift – Shake It Off

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

‪Taylor Swift – Blank Space

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-ORhEE9VVg

Taylor Swift – Bad Blood ft. Kendrick Lamar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcIy9NiNbmo

Taylor Swift – You Belong With Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuNIsY6JdUw

Avril Lavigne – Girlfriend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bg59q4puhmg

Aqua – Barbie Girl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyhrYis509A

‪Blue Oyster Cult – (Don’t Fear) The Reaper 1976 [Studio Version]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClQcUyhoxTg

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Free PDF book: Honey Badger Goes to Hell — and Heaven by David Bruce

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David Bruce: Anecdotes About Death

This is good advice: Repent one day before you die. Of course, few of us are aware much in advance of the day that we will die. (Even condemned prisoners often have the date of their execution changed.) Therefore, we should repent our sins each and every day and avoid sin each and every day. Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai told a parable about a King who told his people to be prepared for when he would hold a banquet. Some of the people thought that the banquet would be held far in the future, so they did not bother to get ready for the banquet since they would have time to do so later. Other, wiser people immediately began preparing for the banquet, realizing that although the banquet could be held far in the future, it could also be held immediately. As it happened, the banquet was held quickly, and only the people who were ready were admitted to the banquet hall.

In 1974, music maven Quincy Jones suffered two brain aneurysms that could have killed him. Hospital staff shaved his head so that he could be operated on, and doctors estimated that he had a one percent chance of surviving the operation. In fact, the hospital staff kept his hair in case his family wanted it glued onto his corpse for an open-casket funeral. When he woke up after the operation, he discovered that family and friends had planned an elaborate memorial service for him, so he decided to go ahead with it. After all, his friend Frank Sinatra had once advised him, “Q, live each day like it’s your last. And one day you’ll be right.” Mr. Jones attended his own memorial service with two metal plates in his head, and when he saw all of the talent that had showed up for the service, he thought, “That’s some lineup.”

In 1944, Ed McKeever coached the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame; unfortunately, that year, Notre Dame was no match for a strong Army football team, and even more unfortunately, Mr. McKeever’s father was dying. Before the Notre Dame-Army game, Mr. McKeever told his Fighting Irish that his dying father would be in the hospital, listening to the game on the radio. He also told them to play an offensive game, figuring that would be the best way to at least keep the score close. Unfortunately, Notre Dame kept being intercepted, and Army ran up a big lead. Late in the third quarter, with Army piling up the points, the Notre Dame quarterback told his fellow players in a huddle, “Well, it doesn’t matter what play we run now. McKeever’s old man is sure as hell dead by this time.”

A woman mourned the death of her child, and she went from door to door hoping to find someone who could bring the child back to life. Arriving at a Buddhist temple, she met a priest who responded to her that he could bring her child to life if she would find a family that had never known death, borrow five poppy seeds from them, and bring the poppy seeds to the priest. The woman searched for a family that had never known death, but she quickly discovered that every family had known death. Realizing that death is inevitable, she buried her child.

In Bikini Kill’s early songs, vocalist Kathleen Hanna tends to repeat lines many times. She had a reason for doing this. The sound equipment they played live with was very bad, and she was worried that no one would understand the words, and so she repeated them over and over so that the audience would hear them. Some of the lyrics deserve to be heard over and over — for example, she repeated these lines from the song “Resist Psychic Death” over and over: “I will resist with every inch and every breath / I will resist this psychic death.”

Death is sometimes welcomed rather than shunned. Aesop tells a fable about a woodcutter who worked for many years, chopping wood and then carrying it a long distance. Eventually, he grew tired, and he called for Death, who soon arrived and asked him what he wanted. The man replied, “I want you to take up my burden.”

Copyright 2015 by Bruce D. Bruce

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Free PDF book: Honey Badger Goes to Hell — and Heaven by David Bruce

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Matt Baume: What’s the Definition of “Traditional Marriage”? (YouTube)

Matt Baume: What’s the Definition of “Traditional Marriage”? (YouTube)

Traditional marriage isn’t the “one man, one woman” story you’ve always heard. It’s changed countless times over the last 4,000 years, almost always for the better. Let’s take a look at all the different things that marriage has been, and the one thing that has remained constant about marriage over all those millennia.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90_UlLSz6Nc

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Check Out the Cosplay of Zadra of the United States

bourbon_break_by_zadra-d8yll94

Source: Zadra, “Bourbon break.” Deviantart. Accessed 25 June 2015

http://zadra.deviantart.com/art/Bourbon-break-541843672

Trishka taking a break for some bourbon!

Incredible shot by Hero hotties!

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Check Out the Cosplay of Zadra of the United States

Artist from Brooklyn New York. Passionate cosplayer and costume-maker, artist of creative mixed media, Badass video gamer, energetic dancer and hula hooper.

http://zadra.deviantart.com

http://zadra.deviantart.com/gallery/

https://www.facebook.com/SOS.Zadra

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Free PDF book: Honey Badger Goes to Hell — and Heaven by David Bruce

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Pandageddon Makes an Ian with Her Biological 3D Printer

Pandageddon Source: Pandageddon, “I made a thing. :3.” Imgur. 24 June 2015 http://imgur.com/gallery/Z8lVoOI

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