David Bruce: Sex Anecdotes

Kevin Jennings, the founder and executive director of the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network (GLSEN), was one of the United States’ first gay teachers to come out of the closet. The first openly gay student he counseled said something that disturbed him very much. The student was practicing unsafe sex, and when Mr. Jennings advised him to practice safer sex, the student said, “Why should I use a condom? My life isn’t worth saving anyway.” One reason Mr. Jennings founded GLSEN was to help ensure “that no student ever feels that way again, that no kid ever feels that his or her life is worth less than someone’s else just because he or she is gay. And also that no straight student feels that another person’s life is less important because he or she is gay.”

Birth control is controversial for many people. Raymond Wilson, a Quaker who was at one time the secretary to the Friends Committee on National Legislation, spoke long ago about government support for birth control. A woman Quaker said to him after the talk, “I am the youngest of six children, and where would I be if my parents had practiced birth control?” Mr. Wilson answered, “But Friend, neither I nor the FCNL have ever suggested that this policy should be applied retroactively.”

As a humorist, H. Allen Smith was known to tell some “risky” stories, but he was shocked by the stories some of his more respectable readers told him. One woman known for her piety in his hometown told him about a peroxide blonde going into a local hardware store one day to buy a doorknob. After getting her the doorknob, the salesman asked, “You wanna screw for this doorknob?” The peroxide blonde replied, “It’s all right with me if it’s all right with you.”

When Paul Krassner’s 16-year-old daughter lost her virginity, she let him know by calling him on the telephone and playing Carly Simon’s “Daddy, I’m Not a Virgin Anymore.” His emotions were conflicting. On the one hand, he was proud that she had found an original way of letting him know that she was entering into a new phase of her life. On the other hand, he was jealous because he was still a virgin at her age.

American dance pioneer Ted Shawn once choreographed the bawdy ancient Greek comedy “Lysistrata,” in which the Spartan and Athenian women decide to stop the Peloponnesian War by declining to have sex with their husbands until the war ends. According to Mr. Shawn, the young dancers of his company claimed to have “learned about life from the birds, the bees, the flowers, and the ‘Lysistrata’ ballet.”

Lord Charles Beresford once enjoyed a visit to an English house in the country. That night, he made his way in the dark to what he thought was the door to his lover’s bedroom. Unfortunately, he had missed his way. Entering what he thought was the right bedroom, he cried “Cock-a-doodle-doo,” and jumped into bed — only to land in between the Bishop of Leicester and his wife.

Lenny Bruce’s mother, Sally Marr, was a comedian who knew about the extracurricular activities comedians engaged in when young ladies went to the Catskills on the weekend. When young Lenny got into a car with other comedians to perform in the Catskills, she used to tell them, “Make sure my kid gets some!”

Sharp-tongued conservative politician John Randolph of Roanoke was thought to be impotent. After a political opponent commented upon his supposed impotence, Mr. Randolph replied, “You pride yourself upon an animal faculty, in respect to which […] the jackass infinitely your superior.”

Comedian Lucille Ball once appeared on an TV show called “The Virginia Graham Show.” A second guest was a magician who used balls in his sleight-of-hand tricks. While demonstrating his tricks, he asked Lucy, “You think I have two balls?” Lucy replied, “I hope so.”

On the old TV show “What’s My Line,” the panelists would try to guess the unusual occupation of the contestant. Once, the contestant was a mattress stuffer, and a panelist asked, “Is your product used by one sex over the other?”

Franz Liszt had an affair with Marie Duplessis. Once, she wanted to go with Italy with him, so she told him, “I will be no trouble to you. I sleep all day, go to the theatre in the evening, and at night you may do what you will with me.”

Mary Whitehouse was outraged over and over again by the “filth” that she saw on TV, but when one day she took a walk and saw two men she knew having sex outdoors, she simply greeted them, using their names, said, “Nature studies, is it?” — and then kept on walking.

Winston Churchill’s son Randolph was a scoundrel. Once, the husband of Doris Lady Castlerosse telephoned him and asked if he was sleeping with her. Randolph told him, “Yes, I am, and it’s more than you have the courtesy to do.”

In his act, comedian Redd Foxx talked a lot about sex. This sometimes upset people because Mr. Foxx was black. However, Mr. Foxx used to tell people, “Black folks have sex — ain’t nobody drawed us.”

While watching David Lichine dance in “L’Apres Midi d’un Faune,” photographer/writer Gordon Anthony never wondered why the nymph ran after dropping her scarf!

“To all the men who don’t get the fact that when she says no, she means no. Well, I’m telling you, Quest for Fire boy, she means no!” — Dennis Miller, The Rants.

Adman Jerry Della Femina once created a controversial ad for condoms. Its slogan was: “I enjoy sex but I’m not willing to die for it.”

On TV’s “Newlywood Game,” a contestant was asked, “What one thing have you mastered since you have been married?” The answer: “Sex.”

In one of her performances on stage, Mae West was told that 10 men were waiting for her. She replied, “I’m tired — send one of them home.”

© 2015, David Bruce, All Rights Reserved

For More Information: benrock100, “Went to go upstairs and found this……Nothing like having 2 daughters.” Reddit. 28 February 2015


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