As I write this, I am 36 years older than Taylor Swift. That’s a pretty big difference.
What does conventional wisdom say about us getting together?
One rule is this: Never date someone older than your father.
Taylor Swift is not older than my father, so we have that going for us.
But am I older than her father? Her father is Scott Kingsley Swift, and he was born in 1952, while I was born in 1954. No, I am not older than her father, so Taylor Swift and I have that going for us.
Here’s another rule for older people: It’s OK to date someone who is half your age plus seven years, but don’t date someone younger than that. If we do the math, half my age (as I write this) plus seven years equals 38 years. Using this rule, Taylor Swift is 12 years too young for me (as I write this).
However, the rule does have a loophole: It applies to human beings, not to elves.
Therefore, if Taylor Swift were to dress like a Christmas elf all year round, we could totally have a relationship.
It could happen.
I’ve seen a photo of Taylor Swift dressed in Christmas elf jammies. Quite possibly, the photo was taken on her Cutest Day — the day of her life on which she was at her absolute cutest.
If she were willing at be at her absolute cutest all year round, she and I could date.
Another loophole is the zombie apocalypse.
If Taylor Swift and I were the last remaining humans, and everybody else was a zombie, then we could get together.
Until death do us part.
Or at least for a while.
Taylor Swift is famous mostly for her music but also for her breakups. According to gossip about her, she has been known to break up over the phone.
During the zombie apocalypse, how would a breakup go?
Presumably, cell phones would keep on working for a while, and Taylor Swift and I would both have a cell phone.
I hear my cell phone ringing and answer it.
“David, this is Taylor Swift.”
“I thought it might be. What do you want, Taylor?”
“David, I want you to know that I have made my decision.”
“Decision? What decision, Taylor?”
“David, I had to choose between you and a zombie to be my boyfriend.”
“Hearing that, I am surprised, but I like the odds of your choosing me rather than the zombie to be your boyfriend. So tell me, who — I mean whom — did you choose, Taylor?”
“David, I chose the zombie.”
“Why, Taylor, why?”
“David, the zombie doesn’t care about the difference among ‘who’ and ‘whom.’”
“It’s ‘between,’ not ‘among.’ Use ‘between’ when there are two things, Taylor. Use ‘among’ when there are more than two things.”
Of course, since Taylor Swift and I will never, ever get together, I will never talk about her in the locker room, although I can imagine what would happen if some of her exes got together and talked in the locker room after working out in a celebrity gym.
“I have the utmost respect for Taylor,” Ex. #1 says.
“She is truly a classy woman,” Ex. #2 says.
“She is an amazing songwriter and an amazing human being,” Ex. #3 says.
“And yet—” Ex. #1 says.
“And yet—” Ex. #2 says.
“And yet—” Ex. #3 says.
“There’s the thing,” Ex. #1 says.
“Oh, yes, the thing,” Ex. #2 says.
“Why did you have to mention the thing?” Ex. #3 says. “I won’t be able to sleep all night.”
“The thing is pretty horrifying,” Ex. #1 says.
“Absolutely and totally,” Ex. #2 says.
“If it weren’t for the thing, Taylor would be perfect in every way,” Ex. #3 says.
“Do you think Taylor knows about the thing?” Ex. #1 asks.
“How could she not know about the thing?” Ex. #2 asks.
“Isn’t the thing completely obvious?” Ex. #3 asks.
“Maybe it’s obvious to us, but not to her,” Ex. #1 says.
“I can’t believe I ever thought the thing was cute,” Ex. #2 says.
“I used to like the thing, but now it gives me nightmares,” Ex. #3 says.
“That’s the way love works,” Ex. #1 says. “When you’re in love, you tolerate — even like — the thing.”
“Let’s get back to the question of whether Taylor knows about the thing,” Ex. #2 says. “I think she does.”
“Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want her exes to get together,” Ex. #3 says. “She knows we’ll talk about the thing.”
“I think you’re right,” Ex. #1 says. “That’s why she made us all sign non-disclosure agreements.”
“I’m glad she made us all sign non-disclosure agreements,” Ex. #2 says.
“If there’s one thing I don’t want to talk about, it’s the thing,” Ex. #3 says.
“So let’s talk about the women who did not make us sign non-disclosure agreements,” Ex. #1, Ex. #2, and Ex. #3 all say at the same time.
Given the existence of the thing, maybe it’s best — better? — if Taylor Swift and I never, ever get together.
Complete Disclosure: I have never dated Taylor Swift, so I don’t know what the thing is, but I do know that every ex has a thing. (In real life, if I met Taylor Swift, she would take one look at me and then take off running … so she can hold the door open for me.)
Another Complete Disclosure: David Bruce and his four sisters write humorous books such as Cupcakes are Not a Diet Food and Kids Are Not Always Angels, available at online booksellers. This essay will appear in the forthcoming Aging is Not for Sissies.
Copyright 2016 by David Bruce.
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